Growing up
by Eriathalia
Summary: Ben Solo has always been a lonely child. With his parents too preoccupied with their respective tasks at hand, he watches the stars and waits for Luke to return from his journeys. A story about the relationship between Ben and Luke before he turned to the dark side. [AU]
Ben Solo had always been a rather quiet child. He would keep to himself whenever he had the opportunity, being used to loneliness most of the time anyway. At least he pretended to be.

Even for a six year old he was already far beyond his years. His dark brown eyes contemplated the world with such curiosity, always eager to learn, dissect, explore. He was indeed proud of his ability to figure out the workings of the world around him while others his age would run through the fields, toy fighters in hand.

Those things seemed far too mundane for the lanky boy with the shaggy black hair, the unruly curls more often than not falling into his eyes or tickling his nose to make him sneeze.

His natural curiosity, however, came with a price.

Yes, he did keep away from his peers, but at times it was not by choice but by force.

Young Ben had learned quickly that being different meant exclusion all the same.

He was too tall for his age, his frame too thin, his nose too big or his face too freckled. His mother was too famous, his father too mysterious. His interests were too far off and his abilities too creepy. There was always a reason to set him apart while pretending it was his fault alone.

First he had hoped it to be a phase, later he had accepted it was his life. Where there had been a smile, a frown pulled at his lips, where there had been hope, resignation now shone from his eyes. And where there had been laughter, there was now silence.

His parents didn't see his struggles, always too preoccupied with their respective tasks at hand. And there were plenty.

Leia on the one hand, would usually be brooding over charts, tactical plans or reports. Whenever Ben would approach her, she would send him away.

 _Not now my darling, I need to revise these reports._

 _Not now sweetie, we have a meeting sceduled in five._

 _Not now Ben, don't you see I have a visitor?_

Next time for sure soon turned into maybe and ultimately to very unlikely. Ben would not admit it these days, but he had often cried himself to sleep, devoid of a mother's loving kisses or a lullaby. As he grew older, he pretended to not need all of it. The tears grew silent and at some point ebbed away. But the ache in his heart lingered.

Han on the other hand was barely ever around his boy. He loved his freedom too much to care for the needs of a child. Staying behind to take care of Ben had never been an option. Even though Chewie would argue with him at times, the Wookie would never be convincing enough to make the former smuggler stay more than an additional five minutes.

Often Ben would sit on the windowsill at night and observe the stars, hoping that one of them would turn into the Falcon returning from another mission. His patience would often be disappointed and so his interest in the stars turned from waiting for his father's return to the need of finding out what was up there himself.

When he met his uncle Luke for the first time-or rather it is the first meeting he can recall even years later- he is fascinated by the blonde man's tales. There was something in the way those bright blue eyes would light up when he told them about exotic plants on a planet he had discovered. His smile would seem so genuine and captivating, making the child's heart flutter, his eyes hanging on the older man's lips as they moved, forming word upon word. For the first time in years, the lonely boy had felt truly warm and happy.

He still remembers the moment Luke had picked him up to sit in his lap, one arm safely wrapped around his middle.

The boy had leaned back into him, greedily soaking up all the sensations offered, every movement, the scent of his clothes, the softness of his hand as it ruffled his curls and brushed his cheek.

On these occasions he would know what it meant to be loved, and every time Luke returned after, he would rush to him, his too short arms grasping on to the black robes, nose buried on the soft fabric as he was hugged close to his uncle's chest or whirled around or even set on the man's shoulders.

Ben would cherish these moments, store them away and draw strength from them until Luke would return.

Indeed, he came to love Luke like a father, grew more attached to his own parents, feeling connected to him by some invisible ties.

One day, the boy hoped, he would be able to follow him up to the stars, and then he would be happy once again.

Sometimes it would take months till he saw his uncle again. Ben would grow restless, his moods darkening and his temper flaring up the longer Luke was gone.

His mother would barely take note of the complaints the boy's teachers would approach her with. Leia would nod, give her son a stern glare and, after a swift reprimand, return to her charts once again.

Opposing to this his father-if he was around at the time- wold tell him to grow up and behave like the man Ben could not yet be. Though Han cared little about age. Being dependant meant weakness to him, and if he wished anything, it was that his son would be strong, not a weakling.

And thus the boy would return to his pattern of waiting and wishing and looking up to the stars, while his powers, unbeknownst to everyone around him, grew.

He remembered so clearly how his mother and Luke would fight over the Jedi taking Ben in as an apprentice, offering him guidance and support.

Leia turned the offer down every single time, reasoning that her boy was too young, that Luke could not expect to tear him away from society to take him on some haywire trip around the galaxy. She thought that Ben needed more time to fit in with the other children, special heritage or not.

It was always her final word. Luke left, Ben remained, and the cycle of loneliness started anew.

"I want to go with you!" Ben protested as he saw his uncle preparing his X-wing for another journey of searching for the first Jedi temple.

"Why do you listen to mommy? She doesn't understand! Please uncle Luke!" His eyes were pleading, one hand tightly holding on to the hem of Luke's black robes.

"I can't, Ben" The Jedi knelt down with a sad smile, brushing the boy's wild locks aside.

"Why do you always leave me alone? Don't you love me anymore? " There were tears forming in the dark eyes. Ben rubbed at them with the edge of his sleeve.

"I do Ben" He drew the boy into a tight embrace. "But I have no choice. I'm sorry."

Angered, the child pushed his arms away. "Liar! You could convince her if you wanted to! I-I hate you!" Giving his uncle a shove he turned and ran.

"Ben!" Luke felt his heart grow heavy, but did not dare to follow him yet.

In truth he had tried all he could, well aware of the boy's feelings. Even being off planet most of the time he could tell that Ben was unhappy. His life on Tatooine had been different in many ways, but the calling of the Force inside him had been there, though by that time he didn't know how to label it.

He could see the yearning so clearly every time he looked into the darks orbs, and every time it broke his heart to leave him behind again.

Ben was not aware of it, but many a night Luke would silently sit by his bedside, calming the child's nightmares as he cried for his mother. The one who would not be there, instead giving instructions to her fighters, always preparing for the next battle.

Only Leia was one of the most stubborn women he had ever met. No matter what he told her, she would brush it of as a phase, deny that a child of Ben's age could already be strong enough to unconsciously wreck his room at night as his uncontrolled powers would run loose in his sleep, fueled by fear and emptiness.

Come morning Ben would hide in his chamber, frantically righting whatever he could, and when his parents came to look for him, saw the damage they thought he had inflicted in another of his tantrums, they would make him work even harder, sometimes spank him for being the insolent child he apparently to be. And all the time Ben would be subjected to the disappointment in their eyes, crushing him from the inside out.

Luke despised their methods, brought it up whenever he came to visit, always with the same result: nothing would change. It took no more than a glance of his nephew to know.

As the day passed by, Luke grew increasingly worried, not seeing any of the boy again till the sky began to darken. Concentrating, he tapped into the force, searching for his signature. To his relief he found him hiding not far off in a tree. Still he could also sense Ben's lingering distress.

Carefully he approached him a few minutes later, climbing up onto a branch beside him.

"Ben?" The boy didn't look up, instead averting his face.

"Go away. Just like you always do."

"Ben…" Luke sighed and placed his human hand on his nephew's shoulder.

"Leave me be!" He shrugged the hand off "You always make me hope and then you leave me behind with _them_ " The boy's breath hitches in a suppressed sob "They don't care about me. I thought you did."

Slowly Luke climbed over to sit by his side, curling around him protectively. "I do Ben. You're like my son" He kissed the the top of his head gently.

"Then why won't you take me with you?" Ben turned and glared at him, though this time he did not break the embrace just yet.

"It would break you mother's heart. Even though she seems distant she loves you very much Ben"

The child shook his head "She doesn't love me. And neither does father."

"Oh Ben.." Luke rubbed the boy's back comfortingly, feeling the front of his robes dampen as he started to cry in earnest. "I'm sorry. So sorry." He buried his face in the dark curls, rocking Ben gently until he calmed down again.

"I still want to come with you"

Luke sighed. "Let us…" He hesitated for a moment "I will give you a promise."

Dark eyes looked up at him, the renewed hope so clearly visible. "Yes?"

"One day you will become my apprentice. And until then I will visit you as often as I can."

"That's still so far away!" Ben pouted, looking more adorable than angry with those freckles covering his face.

"Then I will have to make sure to visit more often. And you can show me what you've learned. How about that?" He ruffled Ben's hair, who crossed his arms, pretending to contemplate the offer carefully.

"Alright. But under one condition!"

Luke laughed. "And what condition might that be?"

"One day. Just the two of us. Whenever you come back."

"Alright" The Jedi held out his hand, offering his pinky finger.

"What?"The boy asked, obviously confused.

"My sacred promise." Luke grinned.

"Ah…" Ben linked their fingers and returned the smile.

"Promise."

They slept in the tree that night. Leia never noticed.


End file.
